For Gertrude (part one)

walking to nowhere in particular i was walking in the direction that i was going when i went a little farther that way i realized i may not be aware of the direction and may be following only a whimsey and that whimsey may have no roots in reality, as reality has often pulled its roots from my soil,and in these moments,i try feeling something and i do feel something, but all that i feel is the pulled apart gaps in the soil which were the areas in which the roots of this reality which is gone now, but when i t wasnt it was right here, where these holes were,where these holes are is where my sweet reality was.but not now,now it is not there now is it anywhere that i know of at the moment,but at this moment i can convince myself, or at least try that the moment that is now is one in which i know much less than i will later,later i will know much more and be embaressed
by the holes in the ground which are not even whole holes, they are merely the areas of departure from whre reality was,after it securely fastend itself to me and then exited;it pulled itself away from me,pulled itself out bu the roots.
i wonder whatever could i have done.


the sun is shining to today, this sunny day today, not a cloud in the sky,which is good because a cloud or something such as it would have made this sunny day less so, and then i would have fewer moments to contemplate with the sun on my face of what it is like to have the sun on my face,if it were not on my face at this moment it would only be imagining for the sake of contemplation.it would be myself wondering what if,what if the sun were out, what if when the sun were out a few hot beams hit my face and i was calm and things felt good and i felt more relaxed and better able to focus on things at hand, opening up my hands seeing they are empty,so ask myself what is on my mind and what is most on my mind is why i let such small trivial things rest on my mind such as they do...


but there is little to do for the mind, other than to do dwell i realize, and if one does not, all the mind does is grows slow and therefore, weak in a sad,limp way,so perhaps it is best to simply walk into the clouds than to not be able to go anywhere at all, the times like this that i go here and there but not really ro anywhere at all are the times when such thoughts are most justified by my own mentality that spinning ones wheels even without destination is better than sinking into the ground, i am not ready for death, i may not be ready to further my llife,but for death i am even less prepared, for death is ones last move, and i have no idea how i could add some kind of brief glory to this..i would however want the last thing that i do to have some kind of lasting worth, even if not long lasting,i would want it to last longer than the fading sensations of neurons and the prayers that most people would say at that time,drifting off into space, these words herded into prayer,looking for some kind of god to latch themselves onto. is that the purpose of prayer,or even words in general?to drift from our mouths like moths hoping to find an audience like a flame of light-bulb that we confuse for the moon?